First Things First . . .

Before I get on my temporary biweekly soapbox let me try to explain the situation I currently face as a divorced father of two, and the path that got me here.

I have always wanted to be a daddy!

The need to nurture and protect was in me even as a child. I watched and tried to look after all the other kids, younger and older in the neighborhood. I handed out advice as if I were born with all the answers. My friends acted like I could solve any problem. I knew I was pretty good at helping problems because my suggestions always seemed logical. My biggest thrill as a teenager was when I got to listen to adults and have them ask me my opinion on their financial and personal lives. I seemed to always be closer to older people an old soul in a child’s body is the way some of my peers described me.

I know now that one of the major reasons I got married was because I wanted to have kids. I was twenty-seven at the time, and my biological clock was ticking a hole in my head – and, yes, men do have clocks. I loved my future wife but the thought of having little people running through the house and getting into things really bought a smile to my face.

I had this insatiable desire to create the next Reginald Lewis (the billion-dollar businessman who owned Beatrice not the basketball player) or Suzanne DePasse (who in my opinion has one of the smartest business minds out here today). I have always believed in genetics and thought that my gene pool was way above most others. Pretty arrogant of me, don’t you think?

I believed in a lie though when I got married. I was sure that a black couple comprised of two independent individuals who were both professionals, educated, and well paid, who also didn’t smoke, drink, or do drugs and believed that being partners was just as important as being lovers, would have no problem staying married for life.

I ended up being married ten years to a woman with whom I never learned to be friends and who was never my partner. During this time we were blessed with two beautiful kids, Cree and Logan. My princess is seven and little shorty is two. Having kids did not make our relationship any better, and in most scenarios it was the catalyst for a quicker demise. But I was happy. I loved changing diapers, sitting up all night when the kids were sick and cranky, feeding them baby food, and cleaning the messes they always made.

During the ten years of legal marriage, we spent at least four of those years separated and living under different roofs. When we were together, we argued about everything and anything. This cycle started the moment we arrived home from our honeymoon. We were able to create our two "brats" during peaceful lulls in our never-ending war of wills. But the battle of personalities never ended, even after the kids were born. We argued over who would change the diapers, pick up the kids from day care, who would do homework, or wash the clothes. Our voices never below the sound of a supersonic jet taking off.

This was a very stressful time for our daughter, and it showed. Cree was old enough to understand the loud arguments and would be terrified when her mother decided it was ok for her to physically strike out at me whenever she lost her temper. I’ll never forget going into my daughter’s nursery one night after spending half the evening fighting with my wife and being reminded of the damage we were doing to her. My daughter was asleep in her crib with her index fingers stuffed in both ears. I’ve never forgotten this sight and it has served as the major catalyst for me to move out and start over.

There are so many lessons learned from the life I have lived as a playa, father, hustler, husband, and divorcee. Many of the lessons I have endured, I paid a very high price for. My goal is to do anything I can to help my brothers and sisters avoid having to pay the same price that I’ve already paid for in full.

The main thing we all have to remember is that our kids are our responsibility. When you see a kid being arrested or begging on the street, ask yourself one simple question: Where are that child’s parents? Then ask yourself if you are doing everything that you can do to provide for any children you’ve bought into this world.

This column and all of my other writings are here to help you and me, become caring and responsible parents. The column is also here to show us that everyone in this life will walk the same path as you do – good and bad, sooner or later. The key to making it all worthwhile is to create responsible, creative, positive young adults to represent you and our people.

One Special Week

This has been one special week that I have just got to share! I have been e-mailed and called about men and their belief that they cannot fight a Mother over the care of their children or their right to see their kids. I have one word to say… BULLSHIT!

I received a call Monday from a lady who knew I had joint physical custody of my kids. She wanted to know if I had any advice for her boyfriend who was having a hard time getting his ex to live up to their divorce and child custody agreement. My first question was what exactly was the mother not doing? She informed me that Ann (all names changed to protect the stupid) would not let her ex get his son on his designated days even though he was always prompt in paying child support. She explained that Ann was very bitter about the divorce and refused to work out any compromise that included "her son."

Before she could go any further I cut her off. Two important points to make here. Number 1 rule is that no one can keep you from seeing your child especially if the courts have designated it. I advised her that the next weekend he was suppose to get his son that he should show up at the designated pick up spot with court papers in hand and if she refuses to hand over his son that the police should be called immediately. The "man" must uphold your right as the parent no matter the circumstances. Make sure you get a copy of the police incident for every episode. You will need these later to show the judge a complete lack of respect for the law if it gets that far. Most women will give in after they see how serious you are. By the way if you don’t have a court order any parent can see or take the child anywhere they please. This is a great reason to let the courts become involved and set the standard.

The second point I wanted to make to her is that even if her boyfriend did not pay child support on time he still has every right to have custody of the child on the days dictated. More men are afraid to see their kids because they didn’t pay their monthly fees and don’t realize that these are two totally different issues. Most judges will grant you lower monthly support if you are providing support in all other areas but are having problems with the financial end. DO NOT USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR FINANCIAL OBLICATIONS! I will work at Burger King during the day and McDonalds at night if that’s what it takes to provide for my kids. Again I have advised all men to seek joint physical custody if they believe their ex is going to use his money for her hair and nails instead of taking care of the kids.

I found this whole conversation to be depressing. She went on to tell me how the woman had threatened to leave the state and change her name if that would keep her son from his father. Tell me who is she hurting – the child or the father or both? I am a firm believer in involving every aspect of the law when faced with this kind of drama but I do not believe in giving up or in to anyone who tries to keep you from being with your child.

I also got a IM (Instant Message) from a brother who is recently married and is having a hard time getting his new wife and mother to understand that their child is "their" child. She did not want him handling the child, or really caring for the little boy. She wanted to make all the decisions about her son including how he should look in the pictures and what he should wear but Pop’s had to pay for it all. This father felt left out and looking for answers. I could only give him one piece of advice. I understood that the mother was going through a lot of changes with the birth of the child but it was his duty to fight for his place in his son’s life. Most women don’t realize that they are dominating this little life and few have seen or known a man who was as caring for a child as the women in that child’s life but times are a changing. And with that said I advised my brother to continue to be a major decision-maker and loving father in his child’s life. His wife will either get over her fears of his ability to care responsibly for his son or she won’t but his son needs him more now than ever. Its not a quick fix or even a clean fix but it is the only way the child will get to know both his father and his mother.

The worst call was yet to come though. A friend of mine called to say that she didn’t believe that joint physical custody was good for the kids at all and that all she wanted was the child support. She went on to say that her baby’s daddy took her to court to seek joint physical custody even though he lived hundreds of miles away and only saw his daughter two months out of the year. She followed this with the comment that when he did have his daughter during the summer months she spent more time with his parents than him. As you can probably tell I was pissed by the end of the conversation because she was right. I WOULD NEVER AGREE THAT A MAN WHO WAS NOT THERE FROM THE BEGINNING AND WHO CANNOT GIVE THE DAILY LOVE AND COMMITMENT TO HIS CHILDREN HAS ANY RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING BUT PAY CHILD SUPPORT. The judge laughed at my friend and had him escorted out of the courtroom. Being a father is a job that requires dedication, commitment and the ability to put all other things on the side for the sake of your kids. If you are not willing to do these things don’t sleep with a woman without at least 2 forms of birth control.

None of the things I’ve talked about today are easy to assimilate into your life or your baby’s mother life but all instances show that there are no easy answers to being a complete father. Only major decisions and many mountains to climb for any man who wants to be a Daddy. Never forget that I will always be here to remind you that the pot of platinum on the other side of raising and loving a complete child is worth any price you have to pay now.