One Special Week

This has been one special week that I have just got to share! I have been e-mailed and called about men and their belief that they cannot fight a Mother over the care of their children or their right to see their kids. I have one word to say… BULLSHIT!

I received a call Monday from a lady who knew I had joint physical custody of my kids. She wanted to know if I had any advice for her boyfriend who was having a hard time getting his ex to live up to their divorce and child custody agreement. My first question was what exactly was the mother not doing? She informed me that Ann (all names changed to protect the stupid) would not let her ex get his son on his designated days even though he was always prompt in paying child support. She explained that Ann was very bitter about the divorce and refused to work out any compromise that included "her son."

Before she could go any further I cut her off. Two important points to make here. Number 1 rule is that no one can keep you from seeing your child especially if the courts have designated it. I advised her that the next weekend he was suppose to get his son that he should show up at the designated pick up spot with court papers in hand and if she refuses to hand over his son that the police should be called immediately. The "man" must uphold your right as the parent no matter the circumstances. Make sure you get a copy of the police incident for every episode. You will need these later to show the judge a complete lack of respect for the law if it gets that far. Most women will give in after they see how serious you are. By the way if you don’t have a court order any parent can see or take the child anywhere they please. This is a great reason to let the courts become involved and set the standard.

The second point I wanted to make to her is that even if her boyfriend did not pay child support on time he still has every right to have custody of the child on the days dictated. More men are afraid to see their kids because they didn’t pay their monthly fees and don’t realize that these are two totally different issues. Most judges will grant you lower monthly support if you are providing support in all other areas but are having problems with the financial end. DO NOT USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT LIVE UP TO YOUR FINANCIAL OBLICATIONS! I will work at Burger King during the day and McDonalds at night if that’s what it takes to provide for my kids. Again I have advised all men to seek joint physical custody if they believe their ex is going to use his money for her hair and nails instead of taking care of the kids.

I found this whole conversation to be depressing. She went on to tell me how the woman had threatened to leave the state and change her name if that would keep her son from his father. Tell me who is she hurting – the child or the father or both? I am a firm believer in involving every aspect of the law when faced with this kind of drama but I do not believe in giving up or in to anyone who tries to keep you from being with your child.

I also got a IM (Instant Message) from a brother who is recently married and is having a hard time getting his new wife and mother to understand that their child is "their" child. She did not want him handling the child, or really caring for the little boy. She wanted to make all the decisions about her son including how he should look in the pictures and what he should wear but Pop’s had to pay for it all. This father felt left out and looking for answers. I could only give him one piece of advice. I understood that the mother was going through a lot of changes with the birth of the child but it was his duty to fight for his place in his son’s life. Most women don’t realize that they are dominating this little life and few have seen or known a man who was as caring for a child as the women in that child’s life but times are a changing. And with that said I advised my brother to continue to be a major decision-maker and loving father in his child’s life. His wife will either get over her fears of his ability to care responsibly for his son or she won’t but his son needs him more now than ever. Its not a quick fix or even a clean fix but it is the only way the child will get to know both his father and his mother.

The worst call was yet to come though. A friend of mine called to say that she didn’t believe that joint physical custody was good for the kids at all and that all she wanted was the child support. She went on to say that her baby’s daddy took her to court to seek joint physical custody even though he lived hundreds of miles away and only saw his daughter two months out of the year. She followed this with the comment that when he did have his daughter during the summer months she spent more time with his parents than him. As you can probably tell I was pissed by the end of the conversation because she was right. I WOULD NEVER AGREE THAT A MAN WHO WAS NOT THERE FROM THE BEGINNING AND WHO CANNOT GIVE THE DAILY LOVE AND COMMITMENT TO HIS CHILDREN HAS ANY RIGHT TO DO ANYTHING BUT PAY CHILD SUPPORT. The judge laughed at my friend and had him escorted out of the courtroom. Being a father is a job that requires dedication, commitment and the ability to put all other things on the side for the sake of your kids. If you are not willing to do these things don’t sleep with a woman without at least 2 forms of birth control.

None of the things I’ve talked about today are easy to assimilate into your life or your baby’s mother life but all instances show that there are no easy answers to being a complete father. Only major decisions and many mountains to climb for any man who wants to be a Daddy. Never forget that I will always be here to remind you that the pot of platinum on the other side of raising and loving a complete child is worth any price you have to pay now.