Compromise, Commitment and Communication

- The Big three C's to being in love!
As a divorced black man living in this fast paced world of meeting and greeting I come across a lot of single/divorced/widowed black women, all looking for the same thing - LOVE! L-O-V-E! Love, love, love! Dedicated, Storybook, Lyrical Love. The kind of love that makes your toes curl and your heart skip a beat! LAWD, the stories and wants I've heard over the last few years which by the way I only hear from women! Men seem to just want a woman that doesn't fuss too much and isn't bigger than he is.

Same creature, two totally different wants. Divorced women seem to believe in this fairy tale love also even though they've been there and done that! They should know by now that reality love is so different from the fairy tale brand. They are still looking for a man to work all day, pay all of the bills, cut the grass, cook dinner, look and smell like Denzel, pick the kids up and of course be DRAMA FREE! Drama free - what an alien concept itself. I have come to the realization that as long as you're on this earth, EVERYONE has some sort of drama - but that's another column for another day.

What I would like to talk about today is the REALITY love that I think most people overlook. As everyone who reads my work knows, I have two beautiful daughters and one spoiled son. I dread the day that my baby gurls come to me, glossy eyed and invaded by love talking nonsense about some nappy headed boy. What the hell am I gonna do then? After having nightmares about that moment, I figured I needed to have something put together to help them all walk the love walk, without getting too damaged. So I ask myself where do I start with giving them a heads up on the most important emotional drama they will probably ever face.

Looking back at my friends who have been married for years, the reality I hear from those who have been blessed with longevity in their world, I have gotten love and I mean real love down to three simple ingredients - Compromise, Commitment and Communication! The big three, in no particular order of importance. I came to the big three by asking those couples around me that seem to have a working and loving marriage. Those unique couples that have survived the seven, nine and eleven year itch. You don't see love listed in the big three because love is a gimme and it's indefinable. People in love can't think straight much less put their fingers on why they are so in love. They just know they are and for whatever the reason they believe their life isn't complete without their significant other. The significant other in question can be mean, nasty, selfish, insecure, drug infested, lazy and any other negative thing you can bring to the table but they are in love! I want to talk about how to make the love work after you've backed yourself into the LOVE CORNER!

Compromise, Commitment and Communication, the big three.

Loving a person successfully cannot happen with out being able to compromise. People say the longer you're single the harder it is to be involved successfully. The common concept is that you've spent your whole life making all of the decisions with only you and yourself in mind. Being involved means having someone with an alien history, different thought processing, past history with other funny thinking folks directing your world from that point on. ALL OF YOUR DECISIONS! So the first step to 'love success' is you being able to listen and accept someone else's reality. So what, if you usually sleep late every Saturday. Your new love wants to go walking every Saturday - his or her so called bonding time. Now you know you been sleeping in every Saturday for the past eight years and unless the world is about to have a nuclear meltdown, you've never thought about giving up that warm, soft comfortable down pillow, thick ass mattress and sweet smelling comforter before 2pm. Should you? (A) Explain the importance of your Saturday ritual and take your ass back to bed or (B) Give in to this fool and go walking in the park. Loving and making a marriage work means compromising or should I say long term love means compromising so in this instance you have no real choice but that doesn't mean you have to loose your identity and special needs. Compromise and tell your mate that you'll spend every other Saturday with them doing their thing. Then invite them to share your world on your Saturday's. Run with his or her crazy ass this Saturday but next Saturday sleep till two wrapped up with your love then get up and do the brunch thing. Everyone wins this way and believe it or not something this simple can improve your life with the significant other in your world. Now don't get me wrong cause I ain't living in a dream world either this won't work in EVERY situation but the concept will. Sometimes you may have to give in completely against your better vibes but that's all good too as long as you BOTH realize that the back seat isn't that bad. When it works your way be humble, when it works in your mates way be supportive. THIS WILL WORK if this simple rule can be written in stone. Being HUMBLE and SUPPORTIVE will make every compromising moment a success.

The second key and again these are in no particular order of importance is Commitment. This is extremely important for my brothers. Men, especially older and successful men find themselves overwhelmed by the ratio of available women out here. When I say available, let me clear the air for those not willing to take the blinders off. There are thousands of single and divorced sisters looking for love as well as a lot of married women looking for lust. That's right I said married. That same sister that pays your bills with you and is in church every Sunday sitting in the first row. For any given number of reasons - i.e. husband's fooling around and doesn't have any time for them, brothers too wrapped up in his business world to be wrapped up in her arms, significant other just ain't feeling what he use to feel when sista gurl was that perfect size eight now that's she's twice that size after three kids and a whole lot of stress. The list can go on and on but the one issue to focus on is that this is your mate for life. This is the woman or man that you must be committed too. If you can't keep your panties on or in his case the Johnson zipped up remember that there is a big difference between sex and love. LAWD, I can here the readers tripping now especially my Sisters. No one wants to hear that their mate is fooling around but the reality is a good number of them are. So we get back to the commitment issue. Commitment and marriage or just the vows of a serious relationship and commitment is a must. Commitment means that the mate you are paying bills with, raising kids with, building a future with is your first and foremost concern. NOTHING and NO ONE comes before mama or papa at home. Commit yourself to your mate and your family. I don't care how good that outside stuff feels, taste or sounds. I have had so many of my brothers talk about how the other woman is so beautiful, so peaceful, so fine and nowhere near as argumentive or bitter compared to Mama at home. To this I say BULLSHIT! It's easy to be seen as great when you ain't living and sleeping with the fool. Tolerance is a gift when it's not needed every minute of every day. Of course your other friend has their own agenda too. Its human nature to want what you don't have. Married folks want to be single again and single folks want to be married. So the sister or brother that is feining for the safety and security of the married life will be patient and tolerant just to get what they think they want. So breaking up your family is not a problem if that means they can finally get a family of their own. Don't fall for the okie doke my friends. Home is home and it should never be contaminated with anything from outside of the home. Never lose site of this and when your tired ass is sixty and your reckless fooling around days when you were looking for perfection is over you'll love that PARTNER that stayed by your side.
The final key according to a successful and committed marriage or relationship is COMMUNICATION! Let me say that one more time - COMMUNICATION! Communicate fool! Stand up or lay down but please talk everything thru. Before, during and after you have said I DO! Everyone, and I do mean everyone I've talked to about creating and building a strong relationship that will last forever says that they were able to talk to their partner about EVERYTHING! Sex, money, drugs, raising kids, family members, their job and their drama queen or drama king friends. Yea, brothers be about drama sometimes too. NOTHING is off limits. If your wife ain't making herself available for you and your needs take her out to dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine discuss the issue. Discuss, not accuse or point fingers. First thing you learn in communication 101 is to assume some blame even if it doesn't belong to you. It's a lot easier to have your mate capitulate when she or he believes you are willing to assume some of the responsibility. Put the work in when it comes time to communicate. Have a plan of action for whatever the situation. Come prepared with solutions not just complaints. Make sure your solution involves both parties. LISTEN first and think before opening your mouth. Give your significant other a chance to state their case clearly before you try to put holes in it. COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE! COMMUNICATE! How many times do I have to say that? COMMUNICATE!!!

OK. I'm finished with this for the moment and as soon as I get crazy in love, unexplainable love, I too promise to Commit, Compromise and Communicate. Try the big three C's and let me know if it makes a difference. OOPS, I almost forgot one important fact. If BOTH parties aren't willing to work on all three of the big C's at the same time, you might as well just stay single 'cause anything less just won't do.